October is Cyberbullying Awareness Month

How Can We Help Our Children Be Resilient?

By Rod Metcalf, Ed.S., L.P.C., N.C.S.C.

As a school counselor for 23 years, Ive watched as parents, myself included, have become more and more protective of their children.

To some degree, its warranted, for it often seems that our children are growing up in a more dangerous and hurtful society than when we were kids. At the same time, we often go too far when trying to protect our children from making mistakes and having their feelings hurt while also keeping them from solving everyday problems on their own and recognizing their own strengths and weaknesses.

While were doing more to protect our children, were also giving them electronic devices at younger ages, often without enough thought about the harm it may cause them or the harm they may cause others. As a result, bullying, which used to be primarily limited to face-to-face interaction, now has a platform on electronic devices.

Cyberbullying usually refers to bullying behaviors that take place using texts, emails, and various social media apps.

Unfortunately, it has become common for users of all ages to make mean comments using electronic platforms. One important distinction is that cyberbullying, just like bullying, is when this negative behavior is repeated over time. We must help our children understand the difference between a single, isolated, mean comment or post and ongoing bullying behavior. Our children need to be able to recognize when its an isolated mean comment and be able to tell themselves, This is just one persons opinion, and I can choose to let it hurt me or not hurt me. I get to choose if I want to focus on this one comment or focus on all of the good qualities I know I possess.

When Im working with students at school, I challenge them with an exercise. I share these comments: You have a nice smile. You draw very well. You are a good math student. You are kind to others. I dont really care for your tennis shoes. You are very polite. When I finish, I ask which comment stood out the most. Many will say, You didnt like my shoes.  We talk about why they chose to focus on the one negative comment and not the five positive comments. We also talk about why tennis shoes would be more important than all the really great qualities that were shared.

Through that lesson, the fact that they have the power to choose what comments they will focus on is reinforced. As parents, we can do the same.  Ask your children to share with you what good qualities they think they have. Dont accept I dont know, or I dont have any for an answer. Dont be afraid of sitting there quietly while they think. Dont jump in and answer for them. After they have shared, agree with them, and perhaps cite an example you have seen that supports their opinion.

The more we help our children believe in themselves and recognize their qualities and talents, the more insulated they will be from the possible effects of cyberbullying.

Additionally, we can help by giving our children opportunities to develop other interests and talents. Learning a musical instrument, creating artwork, joining a club or a youth group, or participating in sports or any other organized interest group all help to build a strong sense of self. These options also reduce the amount of time our children spend on their electronic devices.

Restricting access to electronic devices during homework and at bedtime can also pay great dividends. Resist the temptation to give in when they say they need the device to do their homework or to set an alarm to get up in the morning. They can use a laptop or computer at a centralized location, so we can monitor what is on the screen during homework, and old-fashioned alarms clocks wont hurt them either. You may think theyre sound asleep, but they may actually be on social media sites experiencing cyberbullying.

Another way we can help minimize the effects of cyberbullying is to involve our children in causes greater than themselves. When they have consistent opportunities to serve others, they become less inwardly focused and more outwardly focused, thus far more resilient. We can also model healthy reactions, such as saying to them, Im upset about a post on my social media account, so Im going to take a break from my site, and lets do something fun together.

Finally, we need to know exactly what is on our childrens electronic devices. Our children dont deserve privacy on the device that we pay for.  We need to review their apps and contacts with them regularly. Apps like Ask.fm, which allows users to post anonymously, are ripe for cyberbullying.

We may not be able to protect our children from cyberbullying, but we can, more importantly, help them learn to be resilient.

Rod Metcalf is a student counselor at Woodstock Middle School and Cherokee County School Districts 2018 Counselor of the Year.